A transgender life story

Sometimes I get emails from crossdreamers and transsexuals, letters that tell a life story in all its complexity. I want to share one such story with you today. I hope you can give both me and "Annie" your input.

The text has been shortened and anonymized.

Annie writes:

A regular guy?

'I am in my forties. I am a transgendered woman. I’ve been living full time for most of the past four years. Most of my life I regarded myself as a heterosexual male, albeit with an odd “kink”.

As you and others mentioned in your blog throughout primary school and high school I was frequently harassed and bullied. In hindsight I think this was basically because I did not know how to exhibit male traits in interactions with other boys. Many young boys are constantly playing at power struggles with each other. I never knew how to do this.

I've always had intense autogynephiliac fantasies. My fantasies were not exactly about becoming a girl but submissive aspects connected to this. I've always had "sub" fantasies. My fantasies were never sexual.

I've always enjoyed reading history. I read how in many cultures women were oppressed. This was always a big "turn on" for me, although I've long felt guilty about this. I'm a feminist and politically left wing. I hate all forms of oppression. ...

Sometime in primary school I read somewhere that in the 19th century women couldn't vote and had to wear long skirts all the time. Much of my fantasy was a fetish of long skirts. I wanted to be a girl so I could wear long skirts, as a girl.

Sometime later I saw the musical "The King and I", with Deborah Kerr. Later I saw "Gone With The Wind". The costumes the women wore intrigued me, mainly because they were bizarre. I developed a fetish around hoop-skirts.

Growing up versions of the above fantasies were my only sex fantasy. I "liked girls", I was attracted to women but more on an emotional level.

Image: Deborah Kerr - >

Sex with no sex

I was never interested in sex, although ironically I had a strong sex drive. My sexual fantasies, which were sometimes intense, did not impel me to have sex with a woman but rather to become a girl, wear certain clothes, or be in a submissive but non-sexual situation.

I never dated in high school or college. I went though a series of somewhat melodramatic crushes on girls, usually people I hardly actually ever talked to. I would go though long fantasy scenarios in my mind. I never had any interest in sex with these girls. ...

Growing up I gradually came to realize I was a lot different from most other guys. This especially became apparent in late high school and college. Guys would spend hours talking about their sexual experiences. I knew most of this was made up, its almost a male stereotype.I would join in and make up stories myself.

I had never had sexual relations with anyone and I really didn't want to either, even though I had a strong sex drive. I was never consciously puritanical and I'm not religious. I always thought sex was "gross" and disgusting. I still do to an extent. At some level I came to realize I was wired much differently from other guys.

Going crazy?

One summer, when I was in college but taking some time off, I tried to castrate myself. I was in a house my parents then owned and I had free time.

I started trying on my mother's long skirt collection. For a time I "went nuts". I became super horny. I was masturbating maybe 7 or 8 times a day. The only way to describe this would be to say that for a week or so I was "in heat". I'm not a heavy drinker but in the evenings I would help myself to my parent's wine collection.

One night I got into a frame of mind where I thought I "had to become a girl". I had a fantasy of sort of enforced feminization. I wanted to destroy my penis in a way that it would look like an accident. My parents would then take me to a doctor who would say that the only hope would be for me to have a sex change operation. Strangely I didn't care about having breasts or other aspects of being a girl. I just wanted to be a girl so I could wear long skirts, as a girl.

That night I found some carburator fluid. I knew from using it that it's acidic - it burns. I poured some on my penis.Of course I regretted this a minute later. I jumped in the shower and stayed there for an hour. It didn't do any permanent damage.

After this incident I thought I was going crazy. Why did I do something like that? Something was going wrong but I didn't know what. I thought my incident was the result of shyness and my inability to meet girls. At the time though I realized most other guys in that situation would have tried to find a girl or get a prostitute. Things didn't work that way for me.

Crossdressing

Late college and for a time after when I lived with my parents I crossdressed. I didn't try to look like a girl exactly. It was still a fetish/fantasy of wearing long skirts. I especially liked long denim jean skirts, because they looked androgynous. Sometimes I would dream about them.

Around this time I also went though a stage where I would call up plastic surgery clinics and ask them "if they performed sex change operations". At the time I knew nothing about transgenderism or TG theory. I was half serious about this, it was a sexual thrill. Most of these people I talked to thought I was crazy, I think.

After I would masturbate and have an orgasm I would lose the desire to "be a girl". I would feel guilty and ashamed by the fantasy. It would always start up again though.

Hallucinations of phalluses

Sometimes when I would fantasize or think intensely about "becoming a girl" I would have an odd hallucination. I would have an odd sort of ethereal feeling, as if I were a sexless angel.I would also have mild visual hallucinations of phalluses. I don't think this repressented a desire to have sex with a guy (people have suggested this) but rather that I was denying part of myself. I still have these hallucinations at times. I've thought about this a lot but I don't know what it means.

I'm not sure why but when I got a place of my own I stopped crossdressing, even though I could now do it as much as I wanted.

Transitioning?

I still had my fantasies, stronger than ever. I was gradually moving toward the idea of transistioning. I would spend time researching in a nearby medical library getting information. ...

One night I somehow ended up talking with some guy on the phone who said he was a psychologist who worked with transsexuals. He said, "I'm going to try to talk you out of this". He spent an hour telling me how difficult transistion was and that I wouldn't get referals for this anyway. I felt bad but I thought he was right.

Despite everything I didn't think I was actually a transsexual. I didn't think I had a problem with gender identity. I didn't trust my motives. My desire to become a woman was just a sexual fantasy, only an extremely intense sexual fantasy. Furthermore it was almost the only sexual fantasy I ever had, until recently. At the time I felt like everyone was telling what I can't do, well, what could I do sexually?...

Girl friend

I went to grad school .... Around that time I finally started dating women, much later than most people. In my second year, much to my surprise I actually got my first girlfriend, whom I'l call M. I was completly shocked. For years I felt women were avoiding me in droves. I had no idea how to date or get a girlfriend.

I was [in my twenties] when I had my first girlfriend. We slept together but I was never able to have sex. The "equipment worked", I could get an erection without a problem only I was not aroused by her, at all. I was only aroused by my own , somewhat unique, AG fantasies. I't hard to explain but I've always been deeply alienated from my penis. I seldom look at it. I masturbated but I've always done this by rubbing my groin against a mattress. When I knew I was about to get involved with someone I sensed I would have a problem with sex, and I did.

After a time I reluctantly told M. that "I've never done this before", that I was a virgin. She was shocked but was initially very patient with me. I could never get aroused enough to penetrate her though. One time I came close. I felt an intense feeling of free floating anger (not at her), I got scared and lost the erection. That's the closest I've ever come to sex with another person.

At the time I thought my problem was performance anxiety. M would keep me up most of the night trying to have sex when I desperately wanted to sleep. It was almost a form of torture for me. After she fell asleep I would often masturbate by myself.

M got very angry at my inability to have sex. We were together for about a year. It was a stormy, on and off relationship. After I graduated ... we lived together for a short time. One morning she kicked me out. I lived in my car for a week until I could find a place of my own. Apparently she kept trying to break up with me but I wouldn't let her go. I didn't have anything else. At that time she was my first and only girlfriend...

Sex therapy

[Some time] after we broke up I finally saw a sex therapist. I told him the whole story and my sexual history or rather lack thereof. He said he didn't think I was a transsexual. He thought my fantasy was a product of my family dynamics.

I've long had a complicated relationship with my Dad. He's a great guy in some ways but he's been very abusive at times (never physically). He's been over bearing and very controlling, although subtly. This therapist thought my fantasy was a product of this. My Dad is nicer to women than to men so it was a way of trying to please him. At that time I felt both dissapointed and relieved. This therapit said I should try to redirect the fantasy. He also had me do exercises to try to "make friends with my penis". At the time I agreed with him.

I've never been able to redirect the fantasy though and what I had was much deeper than he thought. ...

Fast forward a bit. When I graduated ... the job market in ... was horrible .I eventually went [abroad to work]. ... For the first time in my life I was very popular with women.... I had several girlfriends, not serious relationships. I slept with several women. Again my usual problem, I was never able to "do anything". One woman I slept with ... got very upset at me for this.

Reading

... I gradually started exploring TGism [transgender issues]. One time I bought some books on CDing [crossdressing] at an alternate bookstore in.... I went to a tranny pub in ... and gay bars in .... I was strictly a lurker.at that time. I gradually got a small library on transgenderism though Amazon or mail order. I thought each book I ordered would somehow "solve my problem".

Coming home

I started crossdresssing at a gay club in .... The first time I did this I got, not really horny exactly but unihibited. I started blatantly hitting on everyone I saw. This is vastly different than the way I usually act. At the time I wasn' even attracted to men anyway. Other times when I "went out" I was much calmer. This was the first time I had CDed since I was younger. I had an odd soothing feeling of "coming home",when I did this, it's hard to explain.

... I started "surfing" transgender websites of people who transistioned and actually became women. This was very compelling for me . I would go to my office at 9PM and websurf till 1 or 2 AM. This wasn't a sexual interest. Connected to this I started going though a complicated period of emotional turmoil. I had a feeling there was a monster was inside of me, devouring my personality from within. For obvious reasons I kept this hidden from my co-workers, I was in a very macho environment. Often I would go into one of the "one man latrines" and start crying to myself. I thought I was "losing it".

I came back to ... to try to figure out what was happening. I moved back in with my parents again and I got a ... job at .... After a time I started going though the same emotional turmoil as I did in .... A monster was eating me from inside. I reconnected with a therapist I had seen much earlier after I left college (not the sex therapist, he was useless). This therapist helped me out a lot.

I developed an intense crush on a ... CD .... This person was very pretty and was the center of attention.... One time another ... "set this person up" with a genetic girlfriend. I was upset by this. For a time I completely lost it and acted irrationally. I had a series of anxiety attacks, I'd call up my therapist at 4 AM and tell her I wanted to die, I'd send angry emails to members of the CD group. Several times I was seriously suicidal. The therapist I was seeing was a big help and was very patient with me. The CD I had a crush on turned out to be a TS. She had surgery and is now married to a straight guy.

New job, new life

Eventually I made the decision to transistion. I moved to a nearby city. ... I got a job .... I was there for three years but I hated it. The company was very lgbt friendly. After I was there about 8 months I legally changed my name and I "officially" became a girl. Most of my co-workers were okay with this, at least on the surface although there was always some low level harassment.

I told my parents. Surprisingly they seemed okay with this. They said they suspected something for a while.My Dad was a bit grumpy about it at times but generally very supportie. He was worried about my career and life.

TG community

For a while I was heavily involved in the transgender community. I would go to a lot of events, meetings, gay clubs, and social get togethers. I met some wonderful, interesting people but overall I got a very bad impression of most TG people. There's a huge amount of factionalism, back biting, cliqueness, narcissism, snobbery, and all around drama. It was worse than high school....

There was also a large politically right wing element in the trans community.The campiness associated with the lgbt world never appealed to me. Instead of clubbing I often prefered to stay at home and read history... or .... I gradually dropped out of the TG community and I found myself becoming somewhat anti-transgender.

At times, depending on how I looked, I was harassed a lot. I lived in the... area. ... must be one of the most intolerant cities in the ... or even the world.

Several times I had to call the police because of harasment near my workplace or near where I lived. I saw a transgender therapist (different from the shrinks I mentioned earlier). She would give me a lot of reassurance about being a woman, that I look okay and that I was passable. At the same time I would still get harassed, on and off. Often I would get called "sir" at restaurants. I was pretty upset by this.

At times I felt TGism wasn't working for me, that is I couldn't function in society as a woman and I'd be stuck in a small and (what seemed to me) a highly neurotic subculture. I'm not sure why I felt this way but towards the end of this time I became somewhat anti-trans, even though I was still a girl. I was also depressed about being single. I hadn't had a date or any attempt at intimacy with anyone since I'd been in .....

Not passing

... With savings I had I got what I thought was a good hair replacement system. I thought I had finally "arrived" and now would be passable. It turned out to be very high maintenence and most of the time I ended up looking like a feminine guy with long hair. I still got called "sir" a lot....

I felt embarrassed and humiliated by all this. I was very angry at my therapist in the States who gave me reassurance that I'm passable. I obviously wasn't. I became very anti-trans and seriously thought about de-transistioning, going back to being a guy. One day at the end of the year as an experiment I spent part of a day wondering around .... as a guy. (I made sure no one I knew saw me). It was odd and I found I much preferred being a girl, even with the tremendous self consciousness that I had about being passable.

...I still had many awkward situations where people didn't know what gender I was. Sometimes people would just ask me if I was a man or a woman. Around the area I stayed at were a lot of South Asian and Middle Eastern men. These guys apparently were attracted to me. They would aggressively flirt with me. This was very arousing to me. At this time I was very conflicted. One day (if guys flirted with me) I'd think I should have surgery, the next day I would hate TGism and decide I should go back to being a guy.

... After this I moved back in with my parents for a while. My parents seemed okay w/me being TG. I felt more awkward about thist then they did. I gradually "de-transistioned", dressed less feminine and eventually I got rid of the hairpiece I got. My Mom once briefly asked me about this but I felt very awkward even talking about TG stuff.

At the same I still am a girl. I've been working with an image consultant and a voice trainer. Its expensive but worth it. If I am going to be a girl (which I feel I am) I have to look better

Therapist

... A few weeks ago I saw my old therapist, the one I saw years ago when I first started dealing with this. I told her about my experiences in ...., etc. She thought I was on the edge of a cliff, just barely holding on, not going one way or another. She said I should make a commitment. If I was comfortable the way I am now, that's okay, but she didn't think I was. Basically she thought I should have surgery, although she said that was only a decision I could make. It is good to improve my appearance but I shouldn't care so much about being passable. Being trans is who I am and I have a right to be here.

I'm a small person and if I work on my appearance I think I'm good looking, I might even say I'm "hot".

I cry a lot thinking about how transgender people are oppressed.

I still have mild hallucinations of phalluses. That's been one thing holding me back from SRS. I don't think the hallucinations repressent a desire to have sex with a guy, but I'm not really sure what it means.

That's my whole unique story. I seem to be different from most TG people I know.