Over at r/crossdreaming a crossdreamer posted an anxious presentation of the way erotic crossdreaming (referred to as "autogynephilia" by them) had come to dominate their life. They were clearly looking for a "cure".
It is always hard to find a good way of answering such questions about cross-gender embodiment fantasies, given that I, at least, do not think that there is a cure for crossdreaming. It is part of our nature, with roots in biology and shaped by culture and personal experiences.
The original poster deleted their question. I am afraid I had not given them the answer they were hoping for. Another followed up with this question, which also reflect the hope of a "cure".
My answer was:
At your age the sexual drive is extremely strong [21], so it is no wonder that you have a lot of sexual fantasies, watch porn and masturbate. All people at your age do so, men and women, cis and trans. It is natural and nothing to be ashamed of.
However, if the sex drive cannot be satisfied in any "natural" way, it will find other channels to express itself, and that is why sexual fantasies and masturbation may become "obsessive". The real question I would ask, however, is this: Why do you have these fantasies and not the more common ones found among most people?
I have been talking to a lot of crossdreamers, and I have so far not met anyone who could convinced me that their sexual fantasies are caused by transgender porn or sissy or transformation erotica. What happens is that when they meet such images and stories for the first time something clicks. They find that it answers a question they have had deep inside themselves for quite a while.
Most people do not react in this way. They stay with the cishet porn, because they are not gender variant.
You are most likely some shade of nonbinary or trans, and you should probably focus on addressing that. You can find a good and openminded therapist or you can discuss more here or over at Crossdream Life.
This may also explain why you are so shy among women. You love them, but there is probably one part of you who wonders if you can be a "regular guy" to a woman. Maybe not, but there are fortunately a lot of different women out there, and some of them would love to be with someone like you. You just have to search for them.
I do not think there is a cure for crossdreaming. But there are many ways of living with it, from just integrating it into your sex life on the one hand to transitioning on the other. Only you can decide what you need.
The original poster deleted their question. I am afraid I had not given them the answer they were hoping for. Another followed up with this question, which also reflect the hope of a "cure".
I also this same problem but the difference is i have a girlfriend...don't think reason is not having a girlfriend...but yes real sex will help and i think it can cure maybe.
My answer was:
I feel with you. In my experience having "real sex" with a girl (in the sense of having sex as a traditional cis man with a cis woman) won't change who you are. But it is definitely possible to integrate crossdreaming into a relationship with an open minded and curious woman. Quite a few of them find this kind of gender variance fascinating.
But yeah, some do not, and it is hard to keep such a relationship alive if that means that you have to roleplay a traditional cis man 24/7. You may come to hate yourself for it later. It is better to face this side of you head on and make peace with it.
Have you talked to your girlfriend about this?
There are more people like us over at CDL. You can ask around there too.
Just to make this clear: the term "autogynephilia" is often used to refer to erotic crossdreaming, but it is not a neutral word. It refers to a transphobic, misleading and stigmatizing theory about trangender women and is actively used by transphobes in the current "culture war". I call it erotic crossdreaming. Trans philosopher Julia Serano call it femine/female embodiment fantasies. Some call it crossgender fantasies. Call it what you want, but do not use the AGP terminology.
Read on
- Reconceptualizing “Autogynephilia” as Female/Feminine Embodiment Fantasies (FEFs)
- All you need to know about "autogynephilia"
- "I feel pretty!" (On the "Autogynephilic" Woman and More)
- The Autogynephilia Theory Debunked by New German Study
- Is there a cure for "autogynephilia"?
- Blanchard debunked: Surveys show that all kinds of people experience "autogynephilia"
Illustration: Midjourney
People who have a predisposition for gender variance by the age of sexualization will tend to find an outlet through cross gender fantasies. The more it is repressed the more the likelihood of developing psychological problems. Hence the solution I think needs to be healthy incorporation of gender variance in their life. Some of these people may be repressed transgender people but not everyone is; the hard part being figuring that out.
ReplyDeleteI agree, and the only person who can find out is that person themselves.
ReplyDeleteYup :)
DeleteJoanna wrote, "People who have a predisposition for gender variance by the age of sexualization will tend to find an outlet through cross gender fantasies."
ReplyDeleteI'd add, from personal experience, that people who have a predisposition for gender variance long before puberty may also find an outlet through cross gender fantasies. I sure did. From my earliest memories I fantasized myself to sleep every night after getting into bed.
Joanna went on to say, "The more it is repressed the more the likelihood of developing psychological problems."
I'll say! Over the years so many thoughts of suicide, a couple of times trying, thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in therapy. Jeez!
"Hence the solution I think needs to be healthy incorporation of gender variance in their life."
I agree, Joanna.
"Some of these people may be repressed transgender people but not everyone is; the hard part being figuring that out."
Indeed. Six years ago in Portland I attended a restaurant dinner with about a dozen crossdressing men. I wanted to see what that was like for me; I was crossdressed too. Most of them were happily married. It was a monthly thing for them to go out for dinner, like a club if you will. They talked about cars and sports.
It was a healthy experience for me as I had embarked on a journey to determine where I was going to be happiest.
Glad all is well Emma!
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